I lost my entrepreneurial drive. Therapy helps me get it back.
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Since I have admitted to myself and others I have been dealing with depression, it has brought a sense of calming to my life at home and work. I know I am not alone in what I am going through: so many others share in this daily struggle with me. There is no ideal person who you can put into this category; all types of people are going through this.
Therapy helps. I am so thankful for my friend Elizabeth Belliveau, owner of Enlightened Interventions LLC in Worcester, for helping me find a therapist suited to my personality. I remember the day I texted Liz and told her I needed help. She was on it right away, and for that, I am indebted to her. It took a lot of courage for me – a typically open, honest and vulnerable person – to share my life with someone I didn’t know, but it is the best thing I could have done.
How did I know I needed help vs. just going through a funk? It was honestly taking me everything I had to get out of bed. I would wake up and count the hours until I could crawl back in. My husband was working a lot of night shifts, and I knew the days he would not be home I would be able to hide from him how early I was calling it quits on my day. It took all of my energy to put on a brave face. When my employees would come to me, they may have thought I didn’t care about what they were telling me. Inside, I cared, but I was in such a fog I didn’t have my normal reaction. They probably noticed my absence. I didn’t have the excitement I’ve had since my last resurgence of The Queen’s Cups over the past year. I found myself falling back into my old habits: negative, miserable and isolated.
When the weeks went by, and I would be in bed at 6:30 at night, I started wondering how I got here again. I wallowed in self pity for a bit, but something changed. I was not willing to let my mental health halt everything I had been working for. So, I started seeing my therapist once a week and started getting things off my chest I had never shared with anyone. Each time I went, I cried and then cried again. It is not easy to talk about decisions I have made or express the immense amount of pressure I put on myself as a business owner over the years. The guilt, the resentment towards others, the loneliness; it all came out, and it hurt like hell. The tears were the release of things I’d been holding in for a long time because of the fear of judgement from myself, colleagues and staff.
But here is what I’ve learned: Guilt should only accompany something you did intentionally; I am stronger than I thought and braver than I could have imagined. I am no one’s keeper except myself. I cannot be everything to everyone. Forgiveness of yourself should come before forgiving others. Boundaries are okay and necessary in life. Self-awareness is key. As we change and grow, we may lose people along the way, and that is okay. I learned a lot in a short amount of time, and I look forward to therapy.
This experience has, once again, made me a better boss and person to those in my life. There will always be things I can improve on, but through therapy, I am finding the motivation again to get better and make sure The Queen’s Cups gets better along with me. I lost that for a while.
If you are a person who can relate to this article, make today your day. As my friend Sarah Medeiros said in an inspiring post, “I quit.” Meaning, I quit being unable to get through the day without using all my energy and having nothing left. I quit eating my feelings and using food as an escape. I quit feeling miserable and not doing anything about it. I quit thinking because mental illness runs in my family, I am supposed to just be this way. Lean on those around you and know it’s a journey.
Renee Diaz is the owner of The Queen’s Cups bakery, which generated more than $1 million in revenue last year.
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I have always enjoyed following Renee’s journey, and today I am proud that she shared her struggle that many experience daily.
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